In the time since my last post on this site I have given birth to my first child, a boy called Morley. Becoming a mother is not instant even if motherhood is. And I suspect the kind of mother you are changes over time as you and your child grow. My life has changed completely. At 39 I had prepared myself for the loses – the lack of sleep, the lack of me time, the loss of clear thought [i have been told this fades – i hope they are right] the loss of time with your partner, the lack of energy for any kind of sex life, but i hadn’t prepared myself for the gains. I now know what family means, what a mother’s love is and why it is often evoked as the benchmark of the deepest love and i know what it is to be constantly in two places, where ever i am part of me is always with him. i also know what guilt is. every time i want something for myself. they way i used to.